You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
