I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
two words...techno handjob
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
