Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
