my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
