don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
