Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
