PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
