He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
