i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
