you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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