The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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