U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
