Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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