and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
