Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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