what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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