Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
