I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
