I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
