my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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