was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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