I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
