I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
