Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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