awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
