the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
