watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
