I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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