Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
