Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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