So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
