I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
