More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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