so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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