You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
