you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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