What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
