i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
