I intend to get homeless drunk
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
