I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
