at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
