new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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