You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
