After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
