my soul wont recognize me after tonight
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
