I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
