there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
