I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
