just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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