It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
