Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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